It's been a while.... I last blogged about two years ago, when my life took a pretty drastic change in direction. It's taken me a while to come out on the other side and realize that "I'm ok." I would like to share my story with all of you, for many reasons. By sharing, I think it will help me and I hope it will help other chicks out there as well.
Two years ago, my (ex) husband and I divorced. I don't want to go into the details of why because I do not feel that is solely my story to tell. I also want to respect him as well as my daughters' privacy. However, I would like to share with you the story of my healing and acceptance, which occurred during these last two years.
I was blessed to have been raised in a home with a mother and father who loved each other and took their vow of marriage seriously. My parents have been married over thirty years and are looking forward to another thirty. As a teenager and then a young adult, I was raised both by my parents and church to understand that marriage is a life-long commitment, one you stick to no matter what. So, this is what I did, until two years ago. I don't want to say I gave up on my marriage, but circumstances led me to decide that I no longer could be married, I was pretty weak and didn't have any strength left in me to fight for it. Sadly, this is the honest, raw truth. It was the toughest decision of my life! I did not take it lightly, it was something I had been battling for the previous five years.
This was not how I pictured my life turning out. I never dreamed I would be divorced and single at 30, and I definitely didn't want my children being raised in a split home..The funny things about life is that it doesn't always turn out how we expect it to. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but one I have come to accept. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves off the hook and accept that things will never be perfect.
During this two year long hiatus, I have experienced some other pretty life changing events, aside from the divorce. My girls and I were in a pretty serious car accident. As a result of this car accident, my car was totaled, but thankfully we walked away with only a few minor injuries. The girls had brush burns from their seat belts and I was banged up pretty bad, had a broken rib, and required stitches on my forearm. Our guardian angels were with us that day, because according to the police it could have been much worse. It took me several months to overcome this tragedy. I would wake up at night in cold sweats, having recurring nightmares about the car accident. I would break down in tears while driving and have flashbacks.
I also had a real-life, bona-fide, stalker! It was insane and crazy and the most frightening thing I have ever experienced I still do not know who the stalker was, nor do I know how he (I assume it is a man) found me, but am very thankful he has disappeared. He found out where I lived and threatened the safety of my children and I. We had to move out of our home for about a month. I was paralyzed and felt like I was stuck in the twilight zone! Eventually after police got involved I began feeling somewhat safe again and returned home, equipped with an alarm, mace (and lots of it), a baseball bat, and sharp brass knuckles.
It has been a roller-coaster these past two years, but I am here to say that I am ok, we are ok, and are so thankful that God had his hand on us through all of this!
This time of healing has been extremely difficult, to say the least. My first line of defense was to just pretend everything was ok and ignore the hurt and anger I was experiencing. I stuffed all of my feelings and went to work, hung out with friends, and acted "strong" as best as I knew how. There were only a very few close people in my life who knew how hard of a time I was having. During this time I did some things I am not proud of, but wouldn't take any of it back (if that makes sense). I think it was all apart of the healing process, ya know? I continued ignoring the problem for a while. It wasn't until about 5 months ago that I decided it was time to face the problem head on. It only took me about a year and a half, but at that point I was ready to let myself feel the pain and hurt and agony I had been avoiding. Once I allowed that to happen it was pretty rough for a while. I had to deal with panic attacks, sleepless nights, boughts of sadness, guilt, . . . .
Now that I am on the other side I can look back and say that I am so glad I allowed myself to heal. My life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect and I battle with guilt mostly now as a result of everything, but I am proud of what I've been through and what I've overcome.
The hardest part of the divorce was having to tell our girls and as a parent it was THE most difficult thing I have ever experienced. My prayer is that with lots of love and communication our girls will heal as well. Two years after the fact I think that they are doing ok! :)
I hope I have expressed this story in a way that allows my readers to have a small glimpse into my life. I hope I have shown my heart and that you will read this without judgement. My last hope is that if anyone is experiencing a similar situation, you will read this and know that on the other side their is hope and healing.
Lastly, I want to send a big hug and say thank you from the bottom of my heart to the friends and family who have been with me through all of this. I wouldn't be where I am today without you! xoxoxo
Much Love,
~Ashley
